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Saturday, 6 July 2013

Childhood dreams lost

As I have come to remember more of my childhood growing up in a small town I envy the old me . The young idealistic, innocence who still believed that her marriage was going to be a place of safety, love and support and to have children and raise a family. That dream is so long dead it is covered in dust.

Now instead of the dewy eyed girl who could trust and love with a completely whole heart, I became a battle worn, emotional wreck. Every time life and my questionable choices knocked me to my knees, I got up again. Not always for myself. I crawled back up to be some body only to end up in poverty and I strived again to be some body's love. I got gut kicked and tossed out like yesterday's garbage and I clawed my way upright once again to be some body's loving wife.

It was enough to want to be there for others. It was enough to keep me driven and focused; to succeed. But I will tell you a powerful and amazing truth about my journey.

Nothing has made me feel more like a woman, a goddess, than to get back up solely for my own sake, I came to realize there was no one there to help me up. When I got up it had to be just for me, when the only excuse and reason for living became my desire to be completely there for myself I found that safe place. I found the real contentment, safety, fulfillment, support that I had always craved.

Do I miss that sweet innocent girl I was? Hell yes. It breaks my heart that she had to be bullied and abused to get to be me where I stand now. However, I cannot ignore the reality that her suffering has given me a powerful creative force, a breath taking dimensional beauty that can only be achieved by living hard and dirty for a while. They were all lessons about life and living and how to make better choices in my life and how to use my God/Goddess given gifts more wisely.

I love you right where you are. For to long were you a tightly closed bud, the promise of a truly powerful and loving woman. It is at that point when you feel unhinged, unappreciated, and held back from your joy that you are the unexploded brilliant fireworks that is a woman in transition. I remember the rudderless ship of abandonment I was. Trust me as an old battle scarred warrior princess that has become the finished product of the beautiful and fantastic life that you feel now.

Once you are on the shore of the other side of this uncomfortable time it gets better.
After you are washed clean by the torrent of hurt, anger, disappointment and woeful tears, it gets better.

When you feel strong enough and surrender completely to your dreams, desires and personal needs and wants, the clouds of despair begin to part. When you feel inspired and empowered to put yourself first it gets wonderfully better.

Now I have my beloved roomie of ten years, my twin flame and warrior in shining armor.


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