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Sunday, 2 August 2015

The Empath Takes on the Qualities of the Other Person in the Relationship

The Empath Takes on the Qualities of the Other Person in the Relationship continued
October 11, 2012 · by Lorna Tedder · in Empathy

Hi dear friends and followers. Thank you for visiting my blog. Today I wish to continue sharing with you part 2 of  An empath and a narcissist walk into a bar. Thank you for reading this series on empaths energetic connections. The comments in orange are my own
If I become close friends with a co-worker who spends much of her time being negative or criticize others, I will appallingly find that I do the same, particularly in her presence. Last year, I did a 21-day experiment to not say anything negative about anything, and while it was no problem elsewhere, I simply could not refrain from negatives popping out of my mouth when I was with her. I was alarmed at how quickly I allowed myself to get caught up in the doom and gloom.

Note: It's easy to get sucked into that kind of attitude if it's all around you. You get to feel that if you are going to survive in that kind of environment then you have to adapt to being part of it. Sometimes the only way to get out of such attitudes is to move out of that kind of environment. But that is not necessarily a fix, because no mater where you go, especially in a work place there are always going to be people like that. So some of their moods and character do rub off on you. Don't forget that empaths are mood sponges. But one can learn to adjust those moods once out of that environment by separating them from your own.
This is more than a matter of like attracting like. These are traits in another person that awaken and highlight dormant traits in me. After being single for a number of years and really understand for the first time what it was like to be ME and just ME without the close influence of parents or a husband or controlling friends, my independence meant that I could find out more about that I myself wanted out of life, what I really enjoyed, without rationalizing that I liked it just because the person I loved did and thought I should like it, too. (Hint: if I ever think I enjoy football, beer, or jazz because my man does, than I know I’ve lost some of my individuality.)

Now that I’ve broken the code on narcissists, as well as negative people, I’m very choosy about whom I attach myself to, particularly romantically. The question of whether or not to stay in a relationship, even with ups and downs, is now,

“Am I a better version of myself with this person or without?”

Like many empaths, I’ve had a tendency to attract narcissists and be attracted to their shininess but I’ve made great headway in allowing positive and compassionate people closest to me and keeping my distance from narcissists. The sense of merging with another person has become a good thing, for a change, because I’m not meshing my personality with a narcissist.


Note: After having involvements with  narcissists you get to be pretty good at feeling them out, so it gets easier to tell in much less time. Anyway after my involvement with three of them I had kind of given up on any relationships. I was very prepared to live the rest of my life alone. I only met one other person since who I am still with. Our bond is like sisters, or soul mates.
Someone whom I share my everyday life with, a companion and confidant. Sex has no importance and is therefore non existent. She is an empath, maybe not to the depth I am, but she is an empath never the less.
 
In this new trend, I’ve given my heart to a man who has certain viewpoints and habits that are beneficial to my health and my career, for example. I’ve allowed those aspects of myself to shine. Without this analytical and science-minded person in my life, I’m not as apt to…oh, let’s say log my daily exercise, food intake, blood sugar, and blood pressure in to a datawhore-worthy spreadsheet or dress like a manager instead of my personal preference for hippie garb. 

The analytical and managerial facets are true to my nature but this relationship brings them to the forefront as I realized two years ago when I hopped out of my morning shower and instead of worrying about sloshing water on the floor, I found myself calculating the trajectory to the sink where I’d left my towel. That still makes me laugh because it was the first sign that our personalities were merging even though we’d never touched.

For me as an empath, I can become something a little different, a little more matched to the person I’m with. Overall, I think it’s a good practice for everyone to choose to be around people who support them and help make them better. At least according to their own views of better and not the better of those who would have them be something of someone else’s choosing. Positive, healthy relationships are always good things, in my opinion.

Empaths and Narcissists in a Relationship — the Worst Combination


Empaths can’t always have that, though, and I have witnessed some nice, normal, gentle empaths turn into raving lunatics in the presence of a narcissistic significant other as they mirror the narcissist’s qualities and defend the narcissist’s behavior because the empath can feel the narcissist’s emotions as righteous and warranted. An empath in a relationship with a narcissist will become what the narcissist wants, even to the point of self-annihilation. Empaths will give up everything they love, everything that makes them individuals, and it will still not be enough. They will beat themselves up constantly for being unworthy because that’s how their partner sees them and the partner’s feelings become their own.

Instead of incorporating some of the health habits and career mindsets of a significant other and letting those positive traits bolster weak but desired habits, if the significant other is a narcissist, the empath may instead find herself (or himself) with a warden dictating which foods will be eaten, which clothes will be worn, which friends will be associated, which job will be chosen, which breaths to take. 
Like a frog in cold water being boiled to death one degree at a time, the empath will go from merging in a relationship in a narcissist so that their individual identities change to a team identity to instead becoming an extension of the narcissist. They will have only one identity in the team, and it isn’t the empath’s.

And yet….
Are Narcissists Really Empaths in Disguise?

And yet the reader who asked me if narcissists are really empaths in disguise has a good point. Empaths know where other people’s buttons are. They just don’t tend to push them. Or maybe, for many of us, it’s just a matter of honor and integrity that we don’t push others’ buttons.

When one of my relationships broke up, the other individual (a diagnosed narcissist) informed me that he knew exactly where my buttons were and exactly how to push them to get what he wanted. It was a glaring moment of truth. He knew how to manipulate me with barely enough crumbs from the banquet to keep me around for the seductive possibility of more. He put the bare minimum into our relationship, becoming exactly what I wanted in a partner just long enough and just often enough to make me believe it could be this blissful all the time and to keep me in line with threats of withdrawing affection if I didn’t toe the line.

Looking back, I see now that he had a way of molding himself into exactly what I wanted, intentionally becoming something he wasn’t. But he couldn’t sustain it the whole time. The burden of his charisma was too heavy to hold up 24 hours a day and it came down when we were alone.

The last narcissist in my life, in a romantic capacity, was a year-long relationship and it was unfortunately as empty as my previous relationships with narcissists. Initially, it was thrilling, exiting, but eventually–when the narcissist could not continue to hold up a particular image to me and be the person he portrayed himself to be–the emptiness and confusion set in. There was something missing from the relationship then but as an empath, I couldn’t figure out what it was. Every time I was in his presence, I felt what he felt.

In that particular case, I did something that many empaths do that this narcissist used against me. I can’t say that I’d do it any differently now. I’m a very open person and forthright about what I want. Early in the relationship, narcissists are so charming and charismatic whereas later in the relationship, it’s easy to see them as charming and charismatic with strangers and acquaintances but not with us. And why not? If they already have you in their pocket, why waste the energy on you?

In this last case, I’d stated openly and earnestly what I was looking for in a mate when we first met. (He asked.) I’d answered honestly that I was looking for a man who was truly happy, and several others things, including having the ability to discuss Life-Death-and-the-Universe subjects like Tesla over a glass of wine. That led to a fantastic first date…as really most of my first dates with narcissists have been. He brought wine and regaled me with everything he knew about Tesla, which I realized later was only enough to last through pre-movie conversation.

For the next year, he was frequently out of town but every time we were together, he presented himself in a certain way that I later discovered was completely false. He was nothing like the person he presented himself to be. In fact, he was living a triple life and playing the same game with two other women.

The narcissists I’ve observed have tended to be either extremely critical and negative–in a dark place–or almost always happy-go-lucky and in times of tragedy around them, cold-hearted. This man was truly happy. I could feel his emotions. It was the motive for happiness that I misjudged. When I understood finally, I thanked my Gods that I ended that relationship before any permanent damage had been done.

His response to my dumping him was almost identical to other times I’ve left narcissists. My leaving was unfair, an attempt to “fuck his life,” to take away the benefits of my being in a relationship or friendship. It was never about my hurt–only about what my choices to leave the relationship did to him.

So yes, narcissists can, like empaths, know which buttons to push and they can be highly attuned to their victims’ emotions. It is the empath, however, who will mold himself or herself into what a partner wants, and it is the narcissist who will use the same sensitivity to feelings to make someone else into what the narcissist wants them to be. Two sides of the same coin, yes.
Again, the Most Dangerous Combination

But the most dangerous combination is when the relationship is between the narcissist and the empath.

One who wants everyone else to mold themselves into his world and the other so very willing and able to be molded.

Note: True I lived seven years with the last narcissist I was involved with, and had three children by him, making it much harder to leave the relationship. But there comes a time when you start believing everything you are told about yourself by the narcissist to the point where murder became a real possibility, murder is what I could sense within me during his violent behavior. Then and only then did I decide to leave, in the middle of the night packing the three kids in the back seat and drove away and never returned.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day. 

ڰۣIn Loving Light from the Fairy Ladyڰۣ

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