Ask an Empath: What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Ask an Empath: 

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

 by Lorna Tedder · in **Most Popular**

Hi dear friends and followers. Today I would like to share a little more with you about the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

Note: I personally, but this is only my opinion, that a good many abusive relationships may be the result of one of the individuals in a relationship being a good candidates for Narcissistic behaviour. But I would be terribly wrong in saying that most stem from this disorder, because there is also the factor of drugs, alcohol and mental health issues also involved. Read on, and thank you for visiting my blog

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a psychiatric condition in which people are exceedingly preoccupied with themselves and have an extremely inflated sense of self-worth. Narcissists are difficult for most people to understand, and even more so for empaths. In the past narcissistic personality disorder was referred to as megalomania.

Characteristics of a Narcissist

The DSM-IV describes a narcissist as a person who fulfills at least five of the nine possible characteristics of NPD, as well as the general characteristics of a personality disorder. The nine characteristics of NPD are:
An extremely inflated sense of self-importance
Repeated fantasies of extreme wealth, perfect love, or other ideals.

Meet the Narcissistic Person

A belief that he or she is unique and should only associate with other ‘special’ people
A need for constant admiration
An unreasonable sense of entitlement
A tendency to take advantage of others
Lacking in empathy
A belief that others are envious of him or her and/or is commonly envious of others
A tendency to behave in an arrogant or haughty manner
Differentiating Narcissism from High Self-Esteem

People who are narcissistic also share many traits in common with people who have high self-esteem and a lot of confidence. The differentiation between them is that narcissists actually have low self-esteem and cannot handle criticism. Much of their behavior is a defensive attempt to prop up their own sense of self-worth.

Certain narcissistic tendencies are perfectly normal in children. However, the western world is turning out more and more narcissistic children and science is not sure why. Some factors that are believed to contribute are many activities in life that praise individual achievements and a constant, over-effusive stream of praise that is not tempered by criticism.
Behind the Scenes of NPD

Psychologists believe that NPD is the manifestation of an individual who believes that they are too deeply flawed to be liked or valued. Instead of expressing this, individuals with NPD attempt to prove to themselves and everyone else that they are a valuable individual. Their attempts to make everyone see them as they wish to be seen are more important than anything else, including other people’s feelings.

People with NPD almost never voluntarily seek therapy. Many narcissists express disdain at the idea of therapy, consciously or unconsciously fearing that it would expose something that did not fit with their self-image. The incidence of NPD among the general U.S. population is believed to be around 1 percent.

Note: I am also including here Narcisstic Personality and astrology portion for those who have an interest in Applied Astrology

Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder Written in the Stars? (Applied Astrology)

Can you look at an astrology birth chart and tell if a person is a narcissist or has narcissistic personality disorder?

Just a reminder that I’m not a professional astrologer, but I very much enjoy it as a hobby and I’ve been studying it for about 11 years.

The short answer is no. At least, not in my experience. However, I have found some rather interesting conjunctions in the natal charts of people I personally know who have either been professionally diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or exhibit the 9 characteristics of NPD.

The chart above belongs to a man I’ve known for 25 years, before I understood that I was an empath. Early in our interactions, we had many discussions of psychology and human dynamics, including an long list of childhood memories and an early diagnosis of NPD that remained unchanged over long years of therapy in adulthood. This man was absolutely charming and charismatic, as you might guess from his Pluto-Venus conjunction 8 Virgo 52 and 8 Virgo 35. This conjunction also meant that, in looking at synastry, or his relationships, I noted that the people of his generation (having the same Pluto) found him extremely intense and…shiny. There are other things in his chart that support the features of NPD but the standout–to me–is his Venus-Pluto pairing. This is beauty/love/romance (Venus) paired with nuclear intensity (Pluto) at the same degree.

Does this mean that anyone with a Venus-Pluto pairing has Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I have no idea. I’m sure Venus-Pluto can manifest in other ways. Most conjunctions have different flavors to them, so why not?

Does this mean that all charming and charismatic people have narcissistic personality disorder? Nope. But many of them are very, very, VERY exciting to be around–I’ve known a few who wanted to have their own cult following…no kidding. Am I saying that all narcissists are charming and charismatic? Oh, most definitely not. From my observations of the narcissists in my life, some are definitely not bigger-than-life personalities except in their own minds.

But I do find the natal charts of narcissists to be very telling.

Here’s another chart, this time of confirmed narcissist I’ve known since I was a teen:

This one manifested in a more behind-the-scenes personality than the previous chart’s owner. While Pluto and Venus are not in a tight orb, the Ascendant in the middle of this trio made for an explosive personality, with the explosions just below the surface. The twelfth house moon in Leo was also an eye-opener but I’ll stick to the similarities in these charts.

In every natal chart I have of narcissists I’ve “experienced” over the last 30 years, there tends to be a conjunction or square of Venus and Pluto OR Venus and Uranus on fewer occasions. I’m not sure if Venus-Pluto oppositions would create the same results: I simply don’t have any charts with that aspect.

I’ve seen these same Venus-Pluto pairings in synastry where the relationship is very volatile (Venus-Pluto conduction or Venus-Pluto square) or even where one of the couple is a stalker or obsessed (usually Pluto opposite Venus).Consider that same energy not between two people but within one person.

For a free natal chart, I recommend you visit astro.com and follow the instructions to create a chart under Extended Chart Selection. (Sorry–I can’t do this for you, but it’s easy for you to do yourself.)If you’d like to read more about empaths and narcissists, see my full list of articles at the Empaths and Energetic Connections Page.

What do YOU think? If you have a natal chart of someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, what unique aspects do you see? No names or birthrates of the individual, please, but please comment below.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day. 

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿ 

Ask an Empath: Feeling Someone Else’s Physical Pain

Ask an Empath: Feeling Someone Else’s Physical Pain

September 28, 2012 · by Lorna Tedder · in Empathy

Hi dear friends and followers. Today I wish to share with you about empaths feeling someone else's physical pain. Thank you for visiting and reading my blog 
An empath may feel the emotions and physical pain of others.
Question: Can an empath really feel someone else’s physical pain?

Note: Have you ever watched someone get slapped in the face and feel the sting on your own cheek, and you put your hand over the stinging area on your own face?

Or have you ever seen someone skin their shin on a chair and you felt the pain in the same area of your leg? Those are a good examples of empathically feeling someone's physical pain.

From my personal experience and the experience of empaths I’ve been close to, the short answer is yes. Not only emotional pain, but we can feel physical pain. That’s not to say that we automatically feel the physical pain of anyone and everyone. In most cases, it’s someone we have a close connection with, though sometimes it’s a vague acquaintance or even a stranger.

The first time I remember feeling someone else’s physical pain is probably a circumstance where many a new mom can relate. My newborn daughter was only 3 days old when the hospital asked me to take her into the lab for bloodwork. The moment they pierced her little heel, I felt it. The pain took my breath away.

Note: This is true, especially as in a mother feeling the pain of her child.  It has happened to me on numerous occasions as my children were growing up. Although they were not home, I knew that they had been hurt. They would later arrive home with cuts and bruises. 

There were also times when I knew that friends had gotten hurt in car accidents, even when someone had died. I had feelings, or forewarnings, or as I call them, just plain knowings. I would prefer not having them, but they are just as much a part of me as breathing. I am thankful they occur only occasionally and not all the time.

When I told the empathic friend closest to me, she relayed how her adult child had been attacked and injured faraway in another part of the world. When he was able to contact her to assure her he was okay and then tell her what had happened, she already knew. At the exact time her son was attacked, this long-time empath had felt his pain and his injuries as her own—and knew they were his.

Later, but before I realized I was an empath, my dad was in the Cardiac Care Unit with a triple bypass. As I stood over his bed on a brief visit to his curtained room, I clasped his hand and he opened his eyes. Just then, a bolt of pain hit him and I felt it course all the way through my own body. He was the one who’d had his chest opened and had been out of surgery for only hours, and yet I felt it just as surely as he had. I was startled and upset by the sudden extreme pain I’d felt. I couldn’t explain it. I let go of his hand and was ushered out of the room seconds later, and I never told anyone.

A few years later, when travelling with an energy healer and observing her with her clients, I began to feel what her clients felt—physically or emotionally. I was overwhelmed at first—the healer said I had the most surprised look on my face! I positioned myself so that her clients could not see me but I would point to where I felt their pain and the healer would focus her work there. Every time, the client would tell her that they were having pain in the particular area I had pointed to.

Note: I had a very similar experience once in the early part of rikie lessons when practicing feeling the energies by passing your hands over the client. I didn't have to pass my hands over the client, I knew where the disorder in the person's body was without using my hands. Fore that mater I was holding my hands at my back. The instructor had never seen such performance of feeling energies to that level before.

Since then, I’ve noted strangers’ and acquaintances’ pain most readily when it is heart-related. There is a particular pressure I feel in my chest when I am around these individuals. I often discover, when I broach the subject with them, that they have recently started seeing a cardiologist for chest pain or that they have made a fast-upcoming appointment for heart-related tests and are currently experiencing pressure in their chests.

I can’t say that this is normal for every empath, but this is how I have personally experienced the physical pain of others.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day.

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿

An Empath’s Response to Dead Animals and Other Trending Images on Facebook

An Empath’s Response to Dead Animals and Other Trending Images on Facebook

Hi dear friends and followers. Today I have a short article for you about an empathic response to shocking images of dead or tortured animals and people. I loathe talking about dark things but there are some aspects of the dark side we just can not ignore, and should be prepared for. Thank you again for visiting and reading my blog. The comments in orange are my own.

August 5, 2013 · by Lorna Tedder 

As an empath, I’ve been punched in the gut at least three times today. On Facebook. By friends and people I “like” who would never intentionally hurt me.

In the last few days, I’ve “unliked” several fan pages I’ve followed for a long time. I’ve left two favorite groups in the last week. And while “hiding” friends on Facebook–relatives, colleagues, and pals in my spiritual circle –has worked for most, I have had to unfriend people I enjoy because they persist in posting disturbing images, particularly violent images, not only to the news feed but also in comments on my own posts and in private messages.

By images, I mean full-color photos of dead animals or abused pets they want me to help save, but there are also the photos of battered women, bruised children, and even videos of unknown men trying to self-amputate, and I just don’t understand why they feel the need to share that with everyone.

I’d like to keep up with these friends’ lives, with the books they’ve authored, with their children’s struggle with a serious illness, with their efforts to save their local animal shelter, with how they’re handling the new city and the new job. I’d like to keep up with all the things that make social media important to me: not losing touch with the wide array of offline friends I rarely see anymore, now that we’re scattered across the planet.

But I cannot do it when they punch me in the gut every time I read their posts.

It’s not a literal punch, but it might as well be. That’s how it feels to an empath.

As an empath, a photo can put me …right…THERE, feeling the action or the abuse. Most moms know the feeling of seeing their toddler get a bump or a scrape, of feeling that spear of pain as if they’d taken the blow themselves. It’s similar with empathy, and the degree of empathy a person has varies.

Note: Oh, this so true, especially once you have become close friends, even if you have not even met in person. You know that person's emotions as well as though they were your own. This is what can make is sad when you can actually feel them drifting away for whatever the reason and being helpless to do anything to change it, not unlike losing a member of the family. 

I’m a high-level empath. I can feel emotion in emails before I open them. I can feel the emotion of a subject in a photo, and sometimes of the person taking the photo if the subject is no longer living. If you’re not an empath, that won’t make sense, but that’s just how it is I couldn’t bear to look at posted photos of Rhianna’s beaten face and I can’t bear the sight of a maimed pet meant to elicit my sympathy or anger. But whether or not you’re empathic, you may have noticed this trend of posting violent, gory, or otherwise upsetting photos.

Even if you’re not an empath, you’ve certainly seen the onslaught of shock-photos designed to move you out of your complacency and convince you to take action. Energetically, these photos reproduce the emotion, the negativity, the fear surrounding the moment of that photo. It’s not the cause or the call to action that goes viral but rather, it’s the negative, dark, heavy energy that is spread exponentially. 

Note, I believe it would be just as effective in getting someone's attention on such negative occurrences such as tortured and abused animals and people, just with the written word, without shocking sensitive people into sleeplessness.

The one aspect of the empath not mentioned here that someone may ask. If you're so sensitive to it, then why do you look at it it. In my case it is called an overpowering sense of curiosity. One look and you are frozen in shock and disbelief as to what you are seeing, and the way the mind of a sensitive person works is like a camera. It takes a picture and imprints it on your memory banks like the hard drive in your computer. 

So for those faraway friends who just don’t get it when I tell them their violent images upset me and often keep me awake because I cannot unsee what I’ve seen, I get that it’s their Facebook profile and they can post whatever they want. They’re certainly free to do so, within Facebook guidelines, of course. But I’m also free–as much as I can be–to put up walls to keep that kind of death and pain imagery out. And sometimes, that means I cannot keep in touch, if keeping in touch physically hurts.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day. 

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿

“Energetic Connections”: the Seventh Sense

“Energetic Connections”: the Seventh Sense
November 6, 2008 · by Lorna Tedder ·

Hi my dear friends and followers. Today we again review
the energetic connections of an empath. Thanks you very
much for visiting my blog and for reading.

When I talk about feeling energies or “energetic connections,” non-empaths usually think I’m crazy. They don’t
understand if they’ve never experienced their world through that particular sense, much as a man blind from birth might
not understand when I talk about the subtle hues of different
colors.

Experiencing energy is really another sense—not a sixth
sense but really more of a SEVENTH sense that goes above
and beyond the intuition that is commonly accepted as sixth sense. Empaths and other “highly sensitive people”
experience energy in the same way as non-empaths
understand sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste—and even sometimes intuition.

It’s a new level of interaction with the world around us.
Some people are born with it and for others, it must be cultivated, as with a sense of taste. I have learned to like he
taste of fine wine, dark chocolate, and to a much lesser
extent even broccoli. I have never liked the taste of beer,
coffee, or cigarettes and have no intention of cultivating
what others find pleasurable with that particular sense of
taste.

My younger daughter is also an empath, but she doesn’t
like it and shields against almost everything. Her first
significant experience with it was when she was a little girl
and could pick up on my unhappy emotions, even when I
was smiling, and would go to bed shaking because she knew things weren’t good between Mommy and Daddy, even
though Mommy and Daddy were good at hiding it at that
time. In spite of so much shielding, she’s still the first one
to know when a relative is dying, and perhaps that’s why
she dislikes it so much.

She says that I relish being an empath, and truthfully, I do. There is nothing quite as amazing as merging energetically
with a romantic partner and feeling each other’s emotions, sensations, and passions. It takes sexual chemistry to a point
of alchemy. There’s also a security to reaching out a tentacle
to check on my mom or kids and knowing that they’re okay
or to feeling something’s wrong and calling at just the right moment to talk them through it.

It’s the wonderful connections that help me to deal better
with the overwhelming emotions I feel from others, the
times when the energetic connections become a curse
instead of a blessing. With the sense of sight, it would be
like looking into bright sunlight and being momentarily
blinded. With the sense of sound, it would be like standing
in front of 15-foot speakers at a AC/DC concert in the 80’s
until your ears hurt and later everything you hear seems muffled. With the sense of touch, it would be like gentle
rubbing turning to chafing turning to a bad case of monkey-butt. The same with sensing energy—sometimes it’s so discordant that it hurts.

Usually when I speak of energetic connections, it’s in
reference to feeling them. This is when my “antennae”
pick up the feelings of people in my environment as well
as to people I’m emotionally connected to, even if they’re hundreds or thousands of miles away. In fact, I’m
more likely to feel the discordant emotions strongly when
I’m not physically with a person but have that emotional connection.

Whereas I can “receive” these waves of energy like communication signals, I can also broadcast them. I’m
often not aware of it, unless I’m speaking with a fellow
empath. My daughter has stood with me when I’ve been drawing down a Full Moon and urged me to “Stop that!” because my energy was heating up the sphere around me.
I have many consecrated objects in my home, but I don’t
feel their energy all the time.

Maybe that’s good because otherwise, I’d be buzzing in my
skin. I can easily feel someone else’s energy on an object or
the sizzle of energy of a consecrated sacred object, but my
own can be identical and I cannot feel it. Others will walk
into a room—even people who don’t consider themselves to
be empaths—and either feel the energy coming off my
consecrated items or be instantly drawn to them.

I liken my not being aware of my own transmission of
energy or the energy of my sacred tools to the sense of smell. Initially, it may be strong, but then I get used to it and it
fades into the background of daily life.

Note: I do not have much of my own experience to add to
this one for it speaks quite plainly on it's own. But about
objects that is quite true. A person, any person empath or
none empath give of their own energy to certain objects. Especially a special object or something that has sentimental value to them. That energy can be felt by another no matter
if they are empaths or not.

I have had the experience of feeling something that is not
right with a loved one or one you ace for from a distance
many times in my life. This is something you can not prepare for, all that can be done is if you can not contact them, then
pray

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day.

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿

Empathic Checklist: 13 Questions to Ask Yourself when You Feel Upset for No Reason

Empathic Checklist: 13 Questions to Ask Yourself when You Feel Upset for No Reason

January 8, 2009 · by Lorna Tedder 

Hi, my dear friends and followers, welcome to my blog. Today we take a look at the check list of questions to ask yourself as an empath. Thank you very much for reading. Comments in orange are my own. 

There’s an edginess that’s been in the air for the past couple of hours. It’s the kind of feeling you get after a fight with a lover or when a dream just got deferred. I can’t pin it down but it’s been intense. Weighty. It’s nothing new…but I wasn’t expecting to have it interrupt my pleasant evening. Someone else’s feelings, that is.

Note: This edginess can come in the form of almost like a panic state, very intense feeling inside that there is something wrong. I do not like this feeling because when I have it it is usually an indication that something is not right somewhere. I often wish it were more specific about where the wrong is, but I usually do not know what it is until the shoe has dropped, so to speak. Unfortunately most times the uneasiness I have felt was something that wasn't right about someone I cared for, and this feeling has never been wrong. I call this the little voice. There have also been other experiences I have had with the little voice that I will mention at another time.

This makes me wonder how many people suffer from depression because they’re so highly sensitive to the emotions of others. This isn’t like that horrid feeling when Shannon, Brian, and I walked past the meat market, er, I mean bar, in the restaurant a week ago and Brian and I both went, “Ewwwww, what’s that feeling?” at the same time. It’s always gratifying to be in the company of other empaths who pick up emotions at the same instant I do. It’s a blessing to have others like that around, really. They totally get it when you say, “Hey, who just had an emo moment?”

Tonight’s wash of emotions happened fairly suddenly, and I don’t feel they're “mine.” I’m going through my usual checklist, and hey, good health habits make it easier to isolate! It’s even better when the feeling goes away, often rather suddenly and inexplicably. Except for not knowing WTF just happened.

Here’s my empath’s checklist, applied to this particular instance:

1. Why am I feeling this way? Did this wave of emotion come on out of the blue, almost like turning on a lightswitch?

I have no clue why I'm feeling such sadness and upset. It came on suddenly in the middle of a pleasant evening. I didn’t just have a fight with anyone or receive bad news, yet I certainly feel the effects as if I had.

2. Did something happen to trigger this wave of upsetting emotion?
No. I’ve been on an even keel all day at work, even with people having meltdowns all around me. I’d had plans to do some decorating projects tonight, and I was looking forward to that after watching a movie. I’ve also had time to watch a movie I’d been dying to see and liked a lot. There were no incidents that happened right before the emotional wave.

3. Am I well-rested?
Yes. Sometimes lack of sleep will have an emotional impact, but I slept well last night and spent half an hour in meditation tonight. The latter might be a clue, though, because during my meditation, I felt very connected to a friend of mine who’s having family problems.

4. Is my blood sugar out of whack?
No. Sometimes, fluctuations in my blood sugar will make me either antsy or down but I can usually associate that with particular eating habits and know what to expect. So far this year, my diet has been very healthy and I’m giving my body what it needs. Also, the timing isn’t right for any type of “sugar crash,” even if I’d been less mindful of my diet.

5. Are my hormones out of whack?
Hmmm, well, I am feeling the need for some male company, but no, no raging hormones. I’m on a new prescription after an abominable time with the last two consecutive prescriptions but I’ve been on it enough days that I’m rather sure I’m not suffering a sudden new side effect. (Being a human antennae for emotions isn’t on the packaging!)

6. Is there something in my environment that I’m hearing, smelling, seeing that has triggered these feelings?
No. That includes any annoying noises or flickering lights.

7. Is there something going on in my immediate environment that’s emotional turmoil for someone else?
No. In fact, this started before my daughter came home from work cheerful and continued afterward. I was home alone in a pleasant atmosphere. There was no tension in the house and no upset with my daughter.

8. What was my day like overall–before the wave of emotions?
Overall, good. Pleasant interactions with everyone around me. Good news on many fronts. Some financial relief in one area. A great workout. Some interesting new things I learned. A very solid, though busy, day.

9. Are my stars out of whack?
Whether you believe in astrology or not, I sometimes find that personal astrology chart is facing some harsher transits. In this case, I’m actually supposed to be under some very, very pleasant influences this week with lots of good and positive emotions.

Note: I am not into astrology that much but I will go along with the notion that whatever makes you feel comfortable goes well in making you feel confident and feeling good, stars lined up or not. It is what you believe.

10. Is this the usual pattern for my mood changes?
No. I can get into a mood and stay there for two or three days, whether it’s blissful, sad, anxious, or whatever. My moods don’t swing every 15 minutes–if they do, I know for certain that I’m being influenced by someone else’s emotions, usually someone who’s ADHD, bless ’em. In this case, the emotional wave lasted about two hours and crested, then faded as if someone had fallen asleep or escaped into some mindless pastime.

11. Do I have loved ones who are having obvious–or not obvious–difficulties that might be related to this wave of emotions?
Yes. I do. At this point, I’m usually either calling them or checking in on them when I can. Some aren’t always available. And some will lie to me that everything’s just hunky-dory so they don’t worry me, but I’ll find out later how upset they were.

12. Are there certain words or phrases that come to mind with these feelings but seem unusual for me?
When I first realized I was empathic, I had been talking for hours to a suicidal acquaintance. When my emotions crashed that night and over the next couple of days, I found myself thinking thoughts that were phrased in a particular way that wasn’t anything like me, at all. When I figured out where I’d heard those phrases before, I figured out that I’d taken my work home with me, in the worst way possible. IN this case tonight, I am getting certain words, glimpses almost, that give me clues to the identity of my troubled loved one.

Note: number thirteen is very important. There are trying times when an empath may not fair very well at all in dealing with difficult situations, especially deep emotional ones, and it is very important to have a confidant to share with who will understand, either another empath or someone who understands the deep emotional make up of an empath that can talk them through the crisis at hand.

13. Am I overreacting?
This is where it helps to have a good friend who understands I’m an empath. She knows that if I don’t seem like myself that she should call my attention to it. I’ve been through a lot of loss in my life, including relationships I didn’t want to see go, but back in October, she saw me fall to my knees sobbing at a professional conference of 200 of my esteemed colleagues and got me out of there. To me, I couldn’t separate my sense of loss from breathing and lost all perspective. She got me out of there and started quizzing me, then it became obvious to me that I was going through not only my own mourning for a loss but feeling the raw emotions of the other people involved in the situation. Though I’d been through much worse in my life, the double and triple wallop of emotions was more than I could take.
Note: For an example. You are arguing with someone, you feel their emotional pain as well as your own going up. You feel double the amount of pain level, theirs and your own. This is one of the reasons I will do everything I can to avoid a confrontation with another individual.
After running quickly through my checklist, I can usually figure out that these emotions aren’t mine but ones I’ve picked up from someone I care deeply about. Often, I’ll be on the phone, running through my list of loved ones and calling them just to see if they’re all right. Almost always, if I can reach everyone I think it might be, I find the culprit. Once I realize not only that the empathic wave isn’t mine and especially if I know whose emotions I’m picking up, then I can usually release it and get back to my pleasant life already in progress.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day. 

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿

The Empath Takes on the Qualities of the Other Person in the Relationship

The Empath Takes on the Qualities of the Other Person in the Relationship continued

October 11, 2012 · by Lorna Tedder · in Empathy

Hi dear friends and followers. Thank you for visiting my blog. Today I wish to continue sharing with you part 2 of  An empath and a narcissist walk into a bar. Thank you for reading this series on empaths energetic connections. The comments in orange are my own

If I become close friends with a co-worker who spends much of her time being negative or criticize others, I will appallingly find that I do the same, particularly in her presence. Last year, I did a 21-day experiment to not say anything negative about anything, and while it was no problem elsewhere, I simply could not refrain from negatives popping out of my mouth when I was with her. I was alarmed at how quickly I allowed myself to get caught up in the doom and gloom.

Note: It's easy to get sucked into that kind of attitude if it's all around you. You get to feel that if you are going to survive in that kind of environment then you have to adapt to being part of it. Sometimes the only way to get out of such attitudes is to move out of that kind of environment. But that is not necessarily a fix, because no mater where you go, especially in a work place there are always going to be people like that. So some of their moods and character do rub off on you. Don't forget that empaths are mood sponges. But one can learn to adjust those moods once out of that environment by separating them from your own.
This is more than a matter of like attracting like. These are traits in another person that awaken and highlight dormant traits in me. After being single for a number of years and really understand for the first time what it was like to be ME and just ME without the close influence of parents or a husband or controlling friends, my independence meant that I could find out more about that I myself wanted out of life, what I really enjoyed, without rationalizing that I liked it just because the person I loved did and thought I should like it, too. (Hint: if I ever think I enjoy football, beer, or jazz because my man does, than I know I’ve lost some of my individuality.)

Now that I’ve broken the code on narcissists, as well as negative people, I’m very choosy about whom I attach myself to, particularly romantically. The question of whether or not to stay in a relationship, even with ups and downs, is now,

“Am I a better version of myself with this person or without?”

Like many empaths, I’ve had a tendency to attract narcissists and be attracted to their shininess but I’ve made great headway in allowing positive and compassionate people closest to me and keeping my distance from narcissists. The sense of merging with another person has become a good thing, for a change, because I’m not meshing my personality with a narcissist.

Note: After having involvements with  narcissists you get to be pretty good at feeling them out, so it gets easier to tell in much less time. Anyway after my involvement with three of them I had kind of given up on any relationships. I was very prepared to live the rest of my life alone. I only met one other person since who I am still with. Our bond is like sisters, or soul mates.

Someone whom I share my everyday life with, a companion and confidant. Sex has no importance and is therefore non existent. She is an empath, maybe not to the depth I am, but she is an empath never the less.

 
In this new trend, I’ve given my heart to a man who has certain viewpoints and habits that are beneficial to my health and my career, for example. I’ve allowed those aspects of myself to shine. Without this analytical and science-minded person in my life, I’m not as apt to…oh, let’s say log my daily exercise, food intake, blood sugar, and blood pressure in to a datawhore-worthy spreadsheet or dress like a manager instead of my personal preference for hippie garb. 

The analytical and managerial facets are true to my nature but this relationship brings them to the forefront as I realized two years ago when I hopped out of my morning shower and instead of worrying about sloshing water on the floor, I found myself calculating the trajectory to the sink where I’d left my towel. That still makes me laugh because it was the first sign that our personalities were merging even though we’d never touched.

For me as an empath, I can become something a little different, a little more matched to the person I’m with. Overall, I think it’s a good practice for everyone to choose to be around people who support them and help make them better. At least according to their own views of better and not the better of those who would have them be something of someone else’s choosing. Positive, healthy relationships are always good things, in my opinion.

Empaths and Narcissists in a Relationship — the Worst Combination

Empaths can’t always have that, though, and I have witnessed some nice, normal, gentle empaths turn into raving lunatics in the presence of a narcissistic significant other as they mirror the narcissist’s qualities and defend the narcissist’s behavior because the empath can feel the narcissist’s emotions as righteous and warranted. An empath in a relationship with a narcissist will become what the narcissist wants, even to the point of self-annihilation. Empaths will give up everything they love, everything that makes them individuals, and it will still not be enough. They will beat themselves up constantly for being unworthy because that’s how their partner sees them and the partner’s feelings become their own.

Instead of incorporating some of the health habits and career mindsets of a significant other and letting those positive traits bolster weak but desired habits, if the significant other is a narcissist, the empath may instead find herself (or himself) with a warden dictating which foods will be eaten, which clothes will be worn, which friends will be associated, which job will be chosen, which breaths to take. 

Like a frog in cold water being boiled to death one degree at a time, the empath will go from merging in a relationship in a narcissist so that their individual identities change to a team identity to instead becoming an extension of the narcissist. They will have only one identity in the team, and it isn’t the empath’s.

And yet….
Are Narcissists Really Empaths in Disguise?

And yet the reader who asked me if narcissists are really empaths in disguise has a good point. Empaths know where other people’s buttons are. They just don’t tend to push them. Or maybe, for many of us, it’s just a matter of honor and integrity that we don’t push others’ buttons.

When one of my relationships broke up, the other individual (a diagnosed narcissist) informed me that he knew exactly where my buttons were and exactly how to push them to get what he wanted. It was a glaring moment of truth. He knew how to manipulate me with barely enough crumbs from the banquet to keep me around for the seductive possibility of more. He put the bare minimum into our relationship, becoming exactly what I wanted in a partner just long enough and just often enough to make me believe it could be this blissful all the time and to keep me in line with threats of withdrawing affection if I didn’t toe the line.

Looking back, I see now that he had a way of molding himself into exactly what I wanted, intentionally becoming something he wasn’t. But he couldn’t sustain it the whole time. The burden of his charisma was too heavy to hold up 24 hours a day and it came down when we were alone.

The last narcissist in my life, in a romantic capacity, was a year-long relationship and it was unfortunately as empty as my previous relationships with narcissists. Initially, it was thrilling, exiting, but eventually–when the narcissist could not continue to hold up a particular image to me and be the person he portrayed himself to be–the emptiness and confusion set in. There was something missing from the relationship then but as an empath, I couldn’t figure out what it was. Every time I was in his presence, I felt what he felt.

In that particular case, I did something that many empaths do that this narcissist used against me. I can’t say that I’d do it any differently now. I’m a very open person and forthright about what I want. Early in the relationship, narcissists are so charming and charismatic whereas later in the relationship, it’s easy to see them as charming and charismatic with strangers and acquaintances but not with us. And why not? If they already have you in their pocket, why waste the energy on you?

In this last case, I’d stated openly and earnestly what I was looking for in a mate when we first met. (He asked.) I’d answered honestly that I was looking for a man who was truly happy, and several others things, including having the ability to discuss Life-Death-and-the-Universe subjects like Tesla over a glass of wine. That led to a fantastic first date…as really most of my first dates with narcissists have been. He brought wine and regaled me with everything he knew about Tesla, which I realized later was only enough to last through pre-movie conversation.

For the next year, he was frequently out of town but every time we were together, he presented himself in a certain way that I later discovered was completely false. He was nothing like the person he presented himself to be. In fact, he was living a triple life and playing the same game with two other women.

The narcissists I’ve observed have tended to be either extremely critical and negative–in a dark place–or almost always happy-go-lucky and in times of tragedy around them, cold-hearted. This man was truly happy. I could feel his emotions. It was the motive for happiness that I misjudged. When I understood finally, I thanked my Gods that I ended that relationship before any permanent damage had been done.

His response to my dumping him was almost identical to other times I’ve left narcissists. My leaving was unfair, an attempt to “fuck his life,” to take away the benefits of my being in a relationship or friendship. It was never about my hurt–only about what my choices to leave the relationship did to him.

So yes, narcissists can, like empaths, know which buttons to push and they can be highly attuned to their victims’ emotions. It is the empath, however, who will mold himself or herself into what a partner wants, and it is the narcissist who will use the same sensitivity to feelings to make someone else into what the narcissist wants them to be. Two sides of the same coin, yes.
Again, the Most Dangerous Combination

But the most dangerous combination is when the relationship is between the narcissist and the empath.

One who wants everyone else to mold themselves into his world and the other so very willing and able to be molded.

Note: True I lived seven years with the last narcissist I was involved with, and had three children by him, making it much harder to leave the relationship. But there comes a time when you start believing everything you are told about yourself by the narcissist to the point where murder became a real possibility, murder is what I could sense within me during his violent behavior. Then and only then did I decide to leave, in the middle of the night packing the three kids in the back seat and drove away and never returned.

Thank you very much again, dear friends, for visiting my blog. Please share your thoughts with us, if you will. Have a great day. 

✿ ڰۣ❤In Loving Light from the Fairy Lady❤ڰۣ✿